PREDATORS IN THE PEWS AND PARLOURS: UNMASKING THE PROTECTION OF ABUSERS WITHIN THE FAMILIES AND FAITH HOUSES
- Valerie Erivwode
- May 15
- 7 min read
Updated: May 19
There’s an age old saying that goes “What you permit, you promote”, what do you pretend not to see and know? Does it even cross your mind when you’re alone with your thoughts? Does the guilt of turning a blind eye drive you insane? Or do you just rest in the silent knowledge that you have done absolutely nothing with the evil that you witness?
In countless homes and holy spaces, true sanctuary is not offered to the wounded, but to the ones who wound. Wrapped in tradition and protected by the armour of religion, many predators walk freely among us. They are respected, revered, and rarely questioned. Families hush the truth to “protect the name.” Churches preach forgiveness while ignoring accountability. And survivors? They are left to carry their pain in silence, shamed for daring to speak. Shamed for the atrocities committed upon them.
1: THE PARLOURS
One would argue that the family unit is the most basic safe space an individual has (or ought to have). Children specifically are expected to have the protection of their parents amongst other basic needs like food and clothing, and they generally enjoy the joy of familial bonds. However familial bonds are broader than just mother, father and children. They spread across the extended family members, family friends, pseudo-parental carers like nannies and au pairs, schoolteachers, religious leaders and other known individuals. These people make up the group of people that are statistically most likely to assault vulnerable individuals, especially children. The presence of familiarity is the biggest weapon that this group of individuals have at their disposal. They are more likely to be left alone with the victim, they have vast knowledge about the victim, and they are less likely to be seen as a threat. Within this group the subgroups of people that are most likely to get away with these atrocities are family members.
3 Rs, respect, reputation and rapport are the tools that perpetrators who are family members, utilise to cover up these crimes. They are not always used in conjunction but any one of these alone could pose a very dangerous threat.
Respect: these perpetrators typically sell themselves as amazing and supportive parental figures to their victims. They bank on the fact that their victims hold them in very high esteem
Reputation: what most of these individuals may do is establish themselves as reputable people amongst the family. They are quick to offer help, exhibit mostly positive and admirable qualities and are generally seen as good people within the family/community
Rapport: they may keep those meant to safeguard the victim very close. They establish that brother/sisterhood with the guardians of their abused. They continue to strengthen that bond to leverage on that proximity and essentially scare the victim away from exposing them.
Besides the 3 Rs, these perpetrators also bank on the fact that a lot of families do not foster open communication and as thus have not safely educated their vulnerable members on recognising abuse tactics.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END
The perpetrator finally succeeds, and the victim builds the courage to tell a trusted person. “Your uncle can never do that” “Do you know what you’re saying right now?” “Nobody can know about this” The look of doubt in everyone’s faces as the victim recounts their most horrific moments is like a knife to the heart. They DO know what they’re saying, and they know the implications of revealing something like that (no matter how little). They know that what happened to them was immoral and wrong on some level, everyone knows it, yet somehow, they are the only ones still sitting with it and everyone else has already moved on. They are forced to sit in intimate familial settings with their abuser. They are forced to put on a facade when their abuser comes into their space and the realisation slowly sets in that their “protectors” have chosen to protect the person/people that have unravelled their life. The family has now unconsciously (or consciously) cemented their stance in the war between abuser and abused. Unfortunately, there was always a clear winner.
The aftermath varies depending on the family and the victim but what one might typically see happen is the victim begins to withdraw from the family completely. For a sense of safety and control they will often alienate themselves, this move often further drives them into the hands of other abusers. When these victims are dealing with confusion, they are often not educated enough to further recognise harmful behaviour from others, and the cycle repeats itself until they are eventually taught by the school of a hard life.
The ones who stay in hopes of finding validation within the family are at risk of continual abuse from the perpetrator. The perpetrator then becomes emboldened by the disbelief displayed by the family and may explore more harmful options. In the case that they are caught, blame is often shifted to the victim. For example, you may come across one of those random Storytimes on social media and the title is “I caught my husband and my 12 year old having sex and they have been doing it for years”. If we dissect the language used here:
“I caught my husband and my 12 year old daughter having sex and they have been doing it for years”
Caught: implication of wrongdoing
Having sex: a 12 year old cannot “have sex” with an adult
They: there is no they. Her husband assaulted her child
Doing it for years: her husband was emboldened enough and overlooked enough to continuously ravage her underage child for years
Language plays a major part in the destigmatisation of open communication when it comes to reporting abuse.
2: THE PEWS
In a country where religious extremism poses the direst threat to our society, abusers have surely and securely found a new habitat in which they have deeply rooted themselves. What better than a place that values purity and teaches love, forgiveness, togetherness and mercy. Let us explore some of the building blocks of abusers in the religious houses:
These people utilise and manipulate the language and core values of many of these religious houses, often bending them to fit their narrative.
Abusers will present themselves as devout and devoted members of the worship house. They portray a personality of helpfulness and deep and profound understanding of the religion as well as a willingness to learn. Placing them closer to the leaders.
When exposed, abusers might leave one congregation and join another, using the close knit, trusting nature of religious communities to start over without scrutiny. The battle for new members/converts often blinds these communities to the true nature of these people.
Religious leaders may lack training to identify abuse or fear damaging the church's reputation, leading to minimization, cover-ups, or victim-blaming. It is generally not a good look for an active member of a place of worship to be associated with such an “unclean” act. Especially when these places value purity. Long story short: It messes with the brand
Like the family unit, places of religious worship are typically built on the foundation of togetherness so there is a responsibility to prioritise the welfare of the members of that community. This duty supersedes the reputation, the cost or the implications of consequences of siding with the victim. Religious centres must have clear safeguarding policies, training, and a culture that prioritizes victim safety. They must also begin to recognise assault as a thing that happens to the victim not a temptation for the abusers. Sermons and preachings that only address the victim are not sermons that are meant to help but shame. I was at a service where the pastor addressed the men saying:
“Men you better be careful and control yourself, so you don’t end up ruining your life. You see all these sisters with their cleavage, turn your eyes away”
Again, let us unpack the language here. To someone else, this looks like a fair warning to the men of the congregation. This sentence does not properly highlight that assault is done to the abused and is not just an avenue to “ruin the abuser”. What about the ruined life of the abused? However, the way this is worded makes the men/abusers (in this scenario) the victim. I would say:
“Men do not assault women. It is wrong and you will be punished for it”
This sentence plainly states the offence without subtly highlighting a reason (the sisters with cleavage in the other sentence). It also plainly states that there will be a consequence that will most likely be exerted by the church. No tolerance and no sympathy for the crime.
QUICK WARNING SIGNS + HOW TO SPOT A VULNERABLE
Stay alert and vigilant as you may be able to help when others might not. Some quick signs courtesy of BHSCP:
Difficulty walking or sitting
Pain, itching, bleeding, bruising, or unusual discharge to the genital area or anus
Urinary infections or sexually transmitted infections
Persistent sore throats
Pregnancy
Refusing to change for PE or participate in physical activities
Avoids or is afraid of being left alone with people or a specific person
Exhibits an inappropriate knowledge of sex for their age
Uses inappropriate sexual language
Exhibits sexualised behaviour in their play or with other children
Bed-wetting
Changes in eating habits or developing eating disorders
Lack of peer relationships
Sleep disturbances or nightmares
Refusing to go to school
Running away from home
Alcohol or drug use
Anxiety
Self-harm or attempts at suicide
Children and vulnerables susceptible to abuse are typically:
With unmet needs or neglected
Nonverbal
Used to secret keeping
Disabled individuals
People in poverty
Isolated or withdrawn
Shy and very introverted
Elderly
Those who depend on carers/nurses
WHAT YOU CAN DO
Be approachable and create safe spaces to talk.
Avoid keeping secrets with children and encourage them to not have any secrets with any adults or strangers
Teach children the proper names of reproductive body parts, it makes communication easier, and it destigmatises and removes the “shame” around these parts of the body
Let children and vulnerables know that they are allowed to have boundaries with their bodies. “I don’t want to hug right now” is a perfect example of a physical boundary for a kid
Encourage them to say no more often
Believe disclosures and never dismiss "small" signs.
Know referral paths (counselors, child protection services, safeguarding teams)
Familiarise yourself with their safe adults (if they have them) as these are the people to raise suspicions to
Advocate for safeguarding policies in your family, school, or faith space
BREAKING THE CYCLE
For far too long, abusers have sought refuge in the very places designed to provide safety: our family homes and houses of worship. Culture, religion, and misplaced loyalty are frequently used as shields to protect predators and silence victims. However, accepting this uncomfortable truth is the first step towards change.
The vulnerable, rather than the powerful, should be protected. Accountability is not an attack on faith or family; it is an act of love, justice, and reconciliation.
It's time to dismantle the systems of silence. Whether in parlours or pews, we must choose to stand with survivors, amplify their voices, and ensure that these spaces become what they were always intended to be: safe havens of dignity and truth.
TO BE CONTINUED
RESOURCES
PACKAGES TO HELP
My basic package for Sex ed for children. This contains talking points that you can build on to educate children and vulnerable people
My sexual education and puberty PowerPoint for teenagers and young adults
Sexual abuse brochure
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