THE STRIVE FOR PERFECTION

At this point, it's established that a lot of my writing is about my young self, my early life and things like that. What I've faced, how I've been torn and broken down and how all that has shaped me to be the person I am now. I know who I am but I want you guys to understand who I am.

"Who am I?" At some point for me, the answer to that question was determined by other people. I would think to myself "What do they think when they see me?" Do they see the colour of my skin or the kinkiness of my hair? Or do they see the scared person inside fighting, BEGGING for a chance to be free? Do they see the anger in my heart towards those who have oppressed me and do they judge me for it? Or do they see the traces of the person tormented by words and unjust criticism? It would bother me every night I went to sleep. How I was perceived. How the world saw me, that I kind of lost touch with myself. I didn't forget who I was, I didn't even know who I was. I began the search to look for a stereotype to place myself in. I studied everyone and looked to them to decide who I wanted to be the next day. Whatever could make people love me was what I wanted to be and for so long I carried on like that, but you know what? I didn't love me

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I was young, I was dejected and I wanted to feel wanted. How I was supposed to morph myself into the perfect human being was my biggest problem at like age 11 or 12. The struggle for perfection ripped me apart, chewed me up and spat me out. It was hell. I had to hang out with people I could not stand. People who degraded me and made me feel small and I pushed the people who loved me for me to the side. Sometimes I wonder how some people manage to influence a person to that manner. My parents tried their hardest to make me see that perfection just was not possible but I was bent on letting the world teach me that lesson. I did an amazing job of pretending to be someone else for a long time, fantastic job actually if I say so myself and for the longest time, it seemed to be working but I just could not hide those tiny pieces of me that showed sometimes: how vulnerable I actually really was and how much talent I had, how I found joy in simple things and how kind I was or how much I loved God and it was only in those moments that I radiated joy and peace.

If you know me now this will be very confusing or shocking for you to read cause lord knows I'm not the same person and I never went back. But you need to understand who I was in the past to understand who I am now.

After I started realizing that I wasn't joyful or at peace, I wasn't sure what to do with myself anymore. Then I met a girl. Lord knows that I'll never ever forget her. She was the happiest, most loving, kindest person I'd ever met. She really just didn't care about everything I was so worried about. She had so much self love and warmth, it was just refreshing. I know everyone says that you don't need someone else to teach you how to love yourself and stuff like that but some of us just need that extra push, a helping hand, someone kind enough to show us that we are enough. That's why I don't hesitate to talk to people or offer an arm of kindness to people no matter how many times they need it. I think she was one of the first people apart from my family that saw the real me and loved every bit of it. The journey to perfection began to come to an end because God showed me through her that Imperfection is perfection. It did take me a while to fully come into my skin though, I'm not going to sit here and lie to you that it took me like a week to become myself. It took years of prayer, hard work, sadness, confusion, vulnerability and self love to get me to the point where I am right now. I definitely don't believe I am at my full potential yet but the difference is that I'm not withholding myself from becoming the amazing woman that God wants me to be.

So who am I? I am a woman, I am kind, I am fearless, I am confident and I am beautiful. I will not be held to your expectations of me because I move at my own time. I am a Christian and I love God. I am so immensely proud of my heritage and family. I love my friends and I stick up for them even when they wouldn't do the same for me. I am learning to forgive those who have wronged me. I am a feminist and I will pave the way for women who come after me. I will speak up when something is wrong but I do not turn to violence. I believe in humanity and I believe in people. I am strong because I am vulnerable but I will not be mistaken for weak. I am not perfect nor do I aim to be. I am me.

Thank you for reading and I love you guys with all my heart.

until next time.